Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
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When your teen is already bigger than you are…
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.
*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
[later]
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship
Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.
“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.