Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
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Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.
Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.
Waiter: how does the chicken taste?
Me: WITH ITS TONGUE
Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
Me: How old am I?
Brain: Give me a minute.
Me: What’s my email password?
Brain: I don’t remember.
Me: Why’d I walk in this room?
Brain: I have no idea.
Me:
Brain: Your high school locker combo was 54-27-14.
I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
[at Home Depot]
Cashier: That’ll be $25
Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it
Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.
Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
Not to brag about my wealth but a well-known billionaire has recently been begging me for “5, 10…even 25 dollars”.
I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.
(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe
giraffe: this is bullshit Steve
(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.
Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion
Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.
You are visited by the ghost of H.P. Lovecraft. He whispers to you about a terrifying, eldritch horror he saw outside. You have to explain that it’s just the car dealership’s inflatable dancing tube man.
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.