what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
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My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
*At demonstration
*grabs megaphone – stands on car
‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼♂️
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
what kind of cook setting is this??
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.
just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
idk flipping houses looks really hard
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?
Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner