subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog
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Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency
Me: I’m being held prisoner
Dispatch: Do they have weapons?
Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords
Dispatch: Umm ok
Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks
Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children
Me: …….Maybe.
Dispatch: 5th one today
9: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
9: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
9:
Me:
9:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.
I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.
Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!
Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
[being chased by a murderer]
Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!
Murderer: *stabs me*
me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
Garfunkel: There’s must be 49 ways to leave a lover
Simon: I think it’s closer to 50
Garfunkel mumbles angrily: …49 ways to kill your singing partner
[first day as EMT]
Me: *checks pulse*
Victim’s wife: well?
Me: *shakes head*
Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
DEMON: [roars] KNEEL, MORTAL—IT IS I, BAELROTH THE SPOON-HIDER
ME: omg what’re u gonna do to me?
DEMON: were—were you not listening just now
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.
[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.
Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.