I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
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If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.
[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]
Server: Sir, please
Me: I didn’t say when yet
COMPUTER: Enter password
ME: [types ’14days’]
COMPUTER: Your password is two week
ME: Uh?
COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
Every house has this drawer
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.
I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic
In-laws are coming over for lunch, which leaves me just enough time to buy a better house, master a new career and develop a less antagonistic personality. Wish me luck!