If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
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I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
I’ve had worse
me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]
*judge bangs gavel*
Ok let’s reconvene after a quick 20 min recess
*immediately knocks over defense attorney to get to the slide first*
That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding
By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails
My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…
..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
*Chicken strips*
Me: *blushes*
Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.
I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.
“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”
I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.