you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer
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The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:
1. He talks to you.
2. He buys you a drink.
3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.
Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
inappropriate Care Bears be like:
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
[being chased by a murderer]
Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!
Murderer: *stabs me*
Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions
When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of breadthat’s my pug, you’re dating my pug
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking
Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why
“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*