Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
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I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
excel: is that a date?
me: 57.39 is very much not a date
excel: strong date vibes to me
me: h-how
excel: fixed it
me: 57/39/2020?
excel: you’re welcome
Them: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? 😘
Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.
Me: Who says it can’t be both? 😉
Them: …many, many laws.
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well
Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.
me: why does my back hurt
also me:
Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him
Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁
Cheerleaders:
“U. G. L. Y. YOU AIN’T GOT NO ALIBI, YOU’RE…”{Guidance counselor glares at them}
Cheerleaders:
“… beautiful on the inside…”
*Clap clap*
*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.
*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
Vet: Hahaha look at this idiot, forgetting to bring his pet to the vet, get him on the wall of shame!
Me: 🙁
My chameleon: 🙂
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”