*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
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i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign
Parents: Never talk to strangers!
Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.
*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
Received some very disappointing news today
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch
when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug
There are only 2 Canadian things I don’t like:
1) Celine Dion
2) Canadian geeseGuess which one is chasing me everytime I go outside.
*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*
“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”
[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit
You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?
Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?
Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE