“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
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Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
BREAKING
Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
Mother: And where did you see this show?
Kid: I saw it on Hulu.
Mother: *raises disapproving eyebrow*
Kid: *sighs* I saw it on Whomlu.
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Fun Fact
The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!
I knew I’d get too old to recognize new celebrities but I did not expect to get too old to recognize what celebrities are famous for. every day I go “is that a new singer” and then a person born in 2007 goes “ew no they’re a peeble streamer on doop” as I inch closer to the grave
You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.
Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.
Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kitesThings my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun
Cop: Was it a revolver?
Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal
[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.