My kid just announced that when he’s a grown up he’s going to go to the ice cream shop every day, and now I want to be a grown up too
You Might Also Like
Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
Dear Santa,
I’m only asking for 1 thing this year; get rid of words like adorbs and obvi before we all start using them. That would be totes amazing.
Oh, SONOFA-
Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?
[at the same time]
HER: Frankenstein.
ME: Frosty the Snowman.
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
Her: You have very beautiful hair.
Me: Oh, you flirt!
*Hands me her card*
Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…
the noise i just made
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.
ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.
DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?
ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*
The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant
I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
*brings nachos to your exorcism*
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah