I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?
You Might Also Like
the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.
turns out he just wanted apple sauce
[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
The police do not like it when you slowly reveal that your attacker was a ghost. They do not appreciate storytelling or showmanship. I know this now.
If she’s interested in you she will reply
If she isn’t, she won’t
Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck
My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
[during sex]
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
Him: *dies*
Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby
Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after
Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone
[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah
Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
Me: *gets comfortable*
Life: Just one more thing …
Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying
Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning
Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
Dress for the job you want to sleep at
Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”