ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie
THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?
ME: Oh yeah
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The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
A British person will be slightly insulted by someone, not say anything, nurture a lingering resentment, patiently bide their time, and eventually, in an unrelated conversation with the person years later, will remark, “that’s typical of you.” Usually across a dining table.
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.
Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.
I just checked Web MD and I have everything
I had to Stop for this
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?
Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.