Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
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i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
I want to open up a Shakespeare theater in a Chinese restaurant.
Dimsummernight’s dream
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE
My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.
Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein
Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now
Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
Kid: Mom, will you play with me?
Me: Sure.
Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.
Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*
Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
(True)
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.
We usually make prime rib for Christmas dinner but with the prices of beef we’ve had to make some slight adjustments.
[Christmas dinner]
Me [serving guests]: More ramen?
When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…