i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now
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me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*
dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash
[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week
How to sleep:
1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes
time to go viral by writing an obvious thing in all caps a bunch of times.
repeat after me.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
My attachment style is PDF which is why older people don’t know how to get me to open up half the time
GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
me: sord
English: sword
me: why
English: because i like it lol
me: that’s not a good anser
English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this
what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet
If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose
Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.
I tried the Japanese method of decluttering my home where you throw away everything that doesn’t bring you joy.
So far, I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the electric bill, the scale, my bras and the boyfriend.
My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.
More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.