[Halloween]
Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!
14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.
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ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.
Pretty much! 😂👀
omg this girl flew across the country to tell someone she was in love with them and she posted the journey on twitter and she got there and they rejected her. see that’s why i keep my mouth shut.
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.
*road trip*
husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car
husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
Green is just blue that someone peed in
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same.
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes