[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacistHer: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”
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You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.
Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.
I faked a smile and gave him a bite.
Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.
I have no wife.
“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
Yes officer, I’d like to file a restraining order against my dentist’s appointment reminder system.
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.
Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”
BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!
“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack
“Bob is coming over for dinner tonight.”
Bob from work or Bob that ended the dinosaurs?
*the sky turns red and warm*
Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”
*Go to a bar you Hate
*Put $50 in the Jukebox
*Play nothing but Nickelback
*Leave
My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.