“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
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Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.
It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*
My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
Scream 1996: killer uses landline; makes it until the end
Scream 2022: killer uses Facebook, twitter, insta; gets caught immediately
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
Wife: Our daughter lied to me.
Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?
5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.
3: Can I have another cheese slice?
Me: Sure.
3: I won’t squish this one in a ball and put it under the cushion.
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.
Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…
Me: exactly
Teller:…
Me: Can I still have a lollipop?
Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?
Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.
Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.
Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?
Kids: Cars
Me: And…
Kids: Wine moms