WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies
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Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.
FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.
COP: How can you be sure?
GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.
I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
I have a type: disappointing
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
Sharon I have some bad news
You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby
Smile Twitter, Smile.
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
This might be me.
Follow me for more tips.
She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.
[Dinner Party]
ME: I’d like to raise a glass…
{years later…}
ME: Son, you’re adopted
GLASS: WHAT?!!
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia
Is it “shitshow” or “shit show”? I just want