[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.
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Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT
I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time
I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them
[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u againDATE: That would be nice
ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her
when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.
I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.
Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait911: *sigh* did he have –
Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up
Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
Did a trash talking tree write this?
god: rabbits
angel: cute. wait, wh-what are they doing
god: ya they do that
angel: they’re multiplying
god: they’ll slow down
angel: they aren’t slowing down
god: holy shit
angel: they won’t stOP FU
[ next day ]
god: porcupines
Eggs benadryl my favourite
Born to be mild.
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”