My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
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I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:
to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.His need for me and only me.
• The cat wants to be fed.
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.
This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
Great acting.. 😂
[commercial for mops]
*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*
“There has to be a better way”
Narrator:MOPS
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.
My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates
Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
Just saw a tiktok of a family introducing their newborn to their cat and after it smelled the baby it went to another room and threw up LMFAO