me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month
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There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.
Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.
OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners
Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:
Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.
Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby.
Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you.
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
My son just walked into the room, said hello, asked how I was, then left.
He didn’t actually want anything.
I know! Incredible!
Oh and then I fainted.
i’m still crying at this
Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?
Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?
Me: oh.
Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?
Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.
Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.
There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.
I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.