[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
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It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!
I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?
Lion: yes.
God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?
Lion: no why?
[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]
God: I guess I’ll delete them then.
Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
I’m just playing devils avocado here
[knock on my front door]
Me: *pulls out finger gun and looks through peephole* Who’s there? What do you want?
Delivery Man: You ordered a pizza?
Me: *holsters finger gun* yeah, that’s right, sorry… *opens door*
Delivery Man: *shoots me with finger gun*
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
Kids: CARROTS?!
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?
Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Dad: what?
Son: *turns into bat
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
Finally! 😈
Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely
Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?
I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
I’ve been drinking.
Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon