Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
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The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over
[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.
ME: Please! I’ll be quick.
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
Important
My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.
Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.
Lesson: Do not ask me for advice
“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.
Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”
detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out
[ducks under the police tape]
detective: and get these ducks outta here
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.
SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?
ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?
SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.
ME: *nervously* Oh
*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*
Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.