I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
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Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out
[to serial killer]
WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!
*killing intensifies*
I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
Today I realised that fire engines don’t carry the water in the fire engine with them. Thought fire hydrants were an American thing. Didn’t realise we had them in the UK. I’m 36 and have two first class degrees
Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: Robert
guy: yeah
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you
let’s hear it for plates that are bowls
A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili
Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
interviewer: why do you want to work here?
me: to be able to afford food
interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job
me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?
I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me
ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.
BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
*watches the world burn*
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
LOAN OFFICER: Sign here…
ME: *signs*
LO: And, here.
ME: *signs*
LO: Down payment, please.
ME: Here you go.
LO: You want road hazard insurance?
ME: Yes, please.
LO: Sign here.
ME: *signs* Is that it?
LO: Yes, the barista will call your name when the order’s ready.
Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
As someone who lost his pet worm at a RFK Jr event last year this is the worst day of my life