When I win the lottery I’m going to get dozens of fake IDs with various names. Then I’ll go to Starbucks and try to claim every coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am Sarah and also Frank. Here’s my ID
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Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.
“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”
*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!
Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.
Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!
Table for six please?
“Is your party coming soon or?”
[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats
[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.
His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble
*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
let’s discuss
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel