All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.
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If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.
I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.
Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews
Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.
Husband: Where are you going?
Me: I have to run a quick errand.
Husband: You’re going to the store to buy dessert and eat it in the car so you don’t have to share it with the kids?
Me: Maybe.
Husband: Let me grab my wallet.
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?TSA agent: … what… is it.
Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.
Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect
Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
this will hang in the louvre one day
HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.