I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.
Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.
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If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?
Do one person every day that scares you.
how do y’all walk in shallow water
Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
I heard that Amazon is scrapping Alex, the new male version of Alexa it was developing. They couldn’t stop it from saying “I don’t know, ask Alexa”.
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*
Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.
[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
Her: You don’t have to cook me dinner, we can just go out.
Me *tossing a jellyfish in the air like pizza dough* No it’s fine I don’t mind..
[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]
“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”
Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography
I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.
Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX
Scroll
Scroll
Scroll your phone,
gently down the screen.
Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!
Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either
A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me