[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
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Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”
If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
Me- Tonight’s menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
Stonehinge
[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
Mario: you’re a dinosaur.
Yoshi: ok.
Mario: you can jump really high.
Yoshi: nice.
Mario: you eat things with your long tongue.
Yoshi: makes sense.
Mario: i’m gonna ride you off a cliff.
Yoshi: wait-what?
Mario: don’t worry i’ll jump off before I get hurt.
Well there goes my Wednesday night.
the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no
Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here
Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A REALLY FAST CAR TO DRIVE PAST!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NNNEYOWWWWWwwwww…
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life