Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?
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“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side
A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
JOHN MAYER: i wanna run through the halls of my high school
ME: i do not relate
JOHN MAYER: i wanna scream at the top of my lungs
ME: [nodding] ok now we’re talking
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”
I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.
I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.
Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*
Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER
Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk
“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.
Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!
Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*
If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
me: would you like beans?
3: no
me, trying to instill manners: no…what?
3: no beans
“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”