king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
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Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Wife: “No.”
*takes pants off*
*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
[coming out of coma]
Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.
–me on house hunters
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
Thanks for using our drive through. Please park over there and wait 20 minutes and someone will bring out 85% of the stuff you ordered.
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.
Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.
Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.