If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.
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I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine
before meds: i hate everything
after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”
Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!
Bad sex? Just add Tequila!
Bad day? Just add Tequila!
Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.
“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”
Me: What did she send you on Snapchat?
My pre-teen: A picture of a wall.
Me: What did you send back?
My pre-teen: The ceiling.
I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.
Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.
Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
Worth the read.
🤣😈🤣
My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old
I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
[first date]
ME:
HIM:
*20 minutes later*
ME: how about we text each other
HIM: *already typing*
Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist
Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.