Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp
Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES
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My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
I’m about to risk it all
I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”
I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
incredible
I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!
My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL
Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”
Me: “Errr. Sure?”
*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.
me: *having prostate examination*
doc: omg, when was this last wiped?
me: WHAT
doc: *pointing to dust on table* i must speak to the cleaning lady
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?
peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂
lost boys:
peter pan: so funny
lost boys: you’re a sociopath
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
My husband surprised me by taking the day off. I guess today is the day he finds out we’ve actually had a cleaning company for the last 5 years.
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.
One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
I refuse to go to a blood bank. I’m not taking your blood money.
Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.