I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
You Might Also Like
Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.
“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”
“Never Gonna Give You Up” came on the radio & my 6yo confidently said, “I know who sings this!” Believing I had taught him well, my proud moment lasted 2 seconds until my son revealed his answer of Yung Gravy.
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook
10 y/o daughter walked up to me and said, “My Father’s Day gift to you is me because without me, you wouldn’t be a father,” then she added, “You’re welcome,” before walking away and that about sums up being a father.
I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
[kitchen]
SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.
handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.
clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.
me: same as him.
clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.
help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”
Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.
If Twitter really wants to make money, they should let us pay to reduce someone else’s character limit. And take away their vowels.
FamousJerk: Wh t’s h pp n n g??
FamousJerk: H w t f x th s?
FamousJerk: H lp m l n!
Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.
[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?