Me: what are you doing
Cat: WAT
Me: I know that look you’re planning something what is it
Cat: HOW DARE
Cat: AM ONLY THINK INNOCENT THOUGHT
Cat: AM PURE OF HEART
Me: your pupils are huge right now
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me: retract those pupils
Cat: JUST GOING 2 DO SMALL DESTROY
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I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
PARKOUR
Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
Me: How much does this crate of Chinese dumplings weigh?
Guy: One ton
Me: I know what they’re called, I’m asking if they’re heavy
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please
Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:
LINCOLN
Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire
{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days
old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers
me: yeah, so?
old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids
[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”
Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.
mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes
kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*