American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
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guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”
*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
*watches Beauty and the Beast*
*looks at dirty dishes in sink*
WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
A bad massage experience would be awaiting your masseuse, lying naked under the sheet, when you realize “Hey, this isn’t a spa, it’s a morgue!”
Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.