Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
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Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.
*guy getting eaten by a shark*
Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.
Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.
Yeah. This was me today.
No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
me: i’m doing well
webmd: you may want to sit down
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.
My wife is hilarious
We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email
She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
The guy I’m training thinks he’s going to take my job by undermining me, listen, buddy, you can have it.
I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.
I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?
Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.
Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.
Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
If there are no verbs in your tweet you’re a rebel without a clause. If there are no commas in your tweet you’re a rebel without a pause and if you are a cat who juggles chainsaws then you’re probably a rebel without paws.
My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”
[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave