Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!
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[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.
Lmao
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
ME: how can i prepare for my date
FRIEND: get her some flowers. roses, orchids
ME: definitely roses, we’re not ready for kids yet
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?
ME: You’re an uber!
SON: No, with your phone
ME: Oh, sorry [types]
SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”
Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
Me at 5: I’ll be famous one day.
Me at 15: I’ll be successful one day.
Me at 25: I’ll take a great vacation one day
Me now: I’ll just eat this this sauerkraut straight from the can.
Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
Sure, we’ve all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.