why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
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remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”
My toddler has just learned how to say her brother’s name. So now she keeps repeating his name over and over, which is driving him absolutely crazy. I have to admit that I’m kinda enjoying it though. Better him than me!
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
Harry: so a time turner turns back time
Dumbledore: yes
Harry: to, say, stop two murders
Dumbledore:
Harry: hello
Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*
One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
Sophomore year I called my mom excited to tell her I had declared my majors. Me: “I’m gonna double major in drama & sociology” Her: “Drama & sociology?! Whatcha gonna do with THAT ACT LIKE YOU’RE HELPING PEOPLE” 🤷🏾♀️😂
Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?
My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.
Me: …
Him: …
Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.
Him: How have you lived this long?
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up
ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?
DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?
Me: sure what time?
Them: 8:30
Me: *laughs in over 40*
ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—