Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I
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The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music
Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive
“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”
Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.
[enter password]
*Correct*
[your password is incorrect]
Me: ahh that’s right
*incorrect*
Login Successful
BEARD PROGRESSION:
1. Clean shaven babyface.
2. Cool stubble.
3. Rugged.
4. Homeless man.
5. Psycho killer.
6. Religious nutjob.
7. Wizard.
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
me: what’s the weather today
weatherman: party sunny
me: and tomorrow?
weatherman: partly cloudy
me: what’s the difference
weatherman:
me:
weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much
[a red dot appears on my forehead]
There has to be a better way for smoke detectors to say hey, the battery is low. Currently, they strike in the middle of the night like a serial killer, playing a twisted game of which one of the seven in the house needs immediate attention, taunting us with its three chirps.
When my son was 3 he had a Guinea pig named rufus. One day he left the cage open & rufus disappeared. I bought a replacement rufus, never told my son & things were going fine until the original rufus showed up and I had to pretend he was rufus’s cousin, roger from philly.
I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.