You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
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It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS
This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free
Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT
[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.
Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.
Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
In my late forties, I now find myself with gray hair, a delightful assortment of aches and pains, and surprisingly strong opinions on decorative throw pillows.
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!
[Fairground]
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons
“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably