When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
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My new husband and me are already winning thru compromise. I accept he’ll never pick up all his socks and he allows the occasional hit and run homicide. Patience & 💛.
*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.
[1st date]
-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.
Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.
Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?
Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.
Me: ok
*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*
[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better
I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
[creating my Tinder profile]
Are u seeking:
men [ ]
women [x]Select one:
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
40-49 [x]
50+ [ ]me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol