[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”
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her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.
Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.
16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
Me: ready to visit grandma?
Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?
Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.
Asked my friend how he’s been and he replied saying he wasn’t doing so great and tbh he’s in a bad state right now.
I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he’s gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn’t take too long to drive through.
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”
and then there’s this guy:
I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.
it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
A warning to all – be careful about drink driving as the police are out checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another and I had a few too many, not a good idea & knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave the car at the pub and took a bus home, I passed the police check point, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breath tests, because I was on a bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and no accidents, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before…
Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.
[police station]
Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Cop: *mumbling* am not.
Dog: You’re back!
Me: Yes
Dog: I missed you so much!
Me: Aww, that’s sweet
Dog: Seriously, I almost died of loneliness
Me: Okay, but I was in the bathroom for like a minute
Dog: DON’T. EVER. LEAVE. ME. AGAIN!