I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
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No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.
🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
Me: You’re leaving me again?
Her: (packing)
Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?
Her: (walking downstairs)
Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?
Her: (opening door)
Me: Come on, one more chance!
Her: (car starting)
Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME: Or you’ll what?
Human: *jumps*
Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur
Human: *pole vaults*
Kangaroo: wait WTF?
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
shark tank judge: nobody is going to want to buy your ghost pants
me: just wait, this time next year, boo khakis are gonna be everywhere!
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
never compromise your values
Dispatcher: 911. What’s your emergency?
Me: Help! I’m being held hostage in a downtown office building!
D: By who?
Me: This really angry man! 1460 Maple Avenue. Please hurry! He’s making me DO THINGS!
D: OK. Please stay on the line.
Me: I can’t. My coffee break’s almost over!
Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings
Me: too boring, right?
Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s