Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
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I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
Me: Opens trash bag to begin cleaning playroom…..
Kids: (from a mile down the street) “Wait! I’ve been looking for that.”
The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.
10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.
[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
The news in a nutshell.
Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.T: You need a break
M: Yes.T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?T: Hell no.
“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”
I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…
I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.
I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…
Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?
Me: of course sweetie
3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?
Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!
3: what was your favourite part?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?
3: mine too yay!
Me: yay!
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS
*breaks glass*
*a glazed honey ham pops out*
“Nice nice”
Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.