I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
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i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”
Weirdos gonna weird.
*pulled over by cop*
Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?
*tags cop*
Me: You’re it!
Cop:
Me running away: Renewed!
The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.
I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..
And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.
Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
SCHOOLS:
We’ve scheduled Back to School Night so you’ll have just enough time to pick your kid up, get home, then have to turn right back around again.
Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*
Not😆🤣
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”
“I just figured the ‘H’ was broken on your sign”
Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in
Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
I’m being attacked 😭
me: there’s a bunch of cars following us
date: yes we’re on a rollercoaster
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you