I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
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me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
*taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*
if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
Tuesday
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,
Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”
Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…
… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
#rubbishjokes
A German arriving at Orly airport in Paris.Customs officer: Occupation?
German: Nein, just visiting.
I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.
5: Can we go outside and play.
Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.
5: Can’t you just throw up outside?
“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
All of you number neighbor people are going to get yourselves killed. Stop talking to strangers that could potentially live near you. You’re going to get murdered or make a friend. Both are terrible.
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”
Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”
my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM