visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
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Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.
If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.
-phone call-
Me: I can’t stop eating
Friend: omg me too
M: I eat all the time
F: I’m always eating
M: I’m eating cheese now
F: I love cheese
Me: I want cereal
F: yes!
M: and cake
F: or a donut
M: yup
F:
M:
F:
M: anyway good to catch up
F: so good
M: take care
F: bye
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
*hypnotists breaking up*
four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy
DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.
fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.
I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…
Stewardess – Are you a comedian?
Me – Yes
Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her once and for all that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.
To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”
Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card
boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally
I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.
I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.
The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.