The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
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“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.
Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?
Me: WHAT?! HOW?! WHY?!
My cat, after getting into the back of my closet, discovering a fishing pole & spare spool of line & then unraveling & tangling most of the line ALL over my bedroom: You’re so dramatic.
-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month
Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull
Me trying to match all my Tupperware with the correct lids is how I imagine it was for the prince trying to find Cinderella by making every woman in the land try on a shoe.
But with a hell of a lot more swearing.
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?
Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.
Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.
My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?