BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
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I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
Finally!
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
Good questions to ask on a first date:
*Do you have any siblings?
*What was your major in college?
*Is that your original skin?
*Do you think the humans suspect anything?
*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?
*What kind of music do you like?
Etc.
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.
Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
[phone rings]
Guy: is your refrigerator running?
Me: yes my refrigerator is runn-
Fridge [grabs phone]: hello? Yeah actually I do crossfit
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”
doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?
patient: yes, on my mother’s side
doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon
why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with
Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.
83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.